7 Tips For Building Resilience During Infertility Treatments
Infertility is a marathon, not a sprint. And not just any marathon— this is a marathon with seemingly endless detours and an ever changing finish line. We praise those who persevere on this marathon—those who push through pain, conquer setbacks, and achieve heroic feats of endurance. We call it resilience. But how often do we pause to ask: What does it actually mean to be resilient?
Many of us grow up believing that resilience is a kind of mental toughness—a white-knuckle determination to push through no matter what. And yes, sometimes grit has its place. But grit can only take us so far when the weeks turn into months… and the months into years. What does resilience mean after your fifth failed embryo transfer, another canceled cycle, or the arrival of that email from your clinic that starts with “I’m sorry”? When you’ve done everything “right,” and yet nothing seems to get you any closer to that finish line?
Psychologists like Dr. George Bonanno from Columbia University, who has spent decades studying resilience in the face of loss and trauma, reminds us that true resilience isn’t about stoicism or suppression. It’s about adaptability. It’s about having the psychological flexibility to keep moving forward even when the path ahead looks nothing like the one you planned.
So if resilience is less about powering through and more about bending without breaking, how do we actually build that kind of strength in the middle of something as consuming as IVF?
Below are seven research-backed pathways to resilience that don’t require you to tough it out alone. These practices are about adapting, re-centering, and honoring your humanity while navigating one of the most tender seasons of your life.
1. Whole-Person Self-Care (Not Just Spa Days)
True self-care goes beyond bubble baths and massage gift cards—though those can be lovely, too. Whole-person care means tending to your emotional, physical, spiritual, and relational needs. It might mean setting firmer boundaries with work, getting regular movement even when motivation is low, making time to engage in fulfilling hobbies, or spending time in nature. It’s about attuning to what you need—not just pushing through. Resilience research shows that people who engage in intentional, restorative self-care have better outcomes in high-stress medical journeys like IVF (Reivich & Shatté, 2002).
You might try:
Downloading Well Harbor’s Whole Person Self-Care guide to reflect on what areas need tending right now (available here)
Setting one gentle boundary this week to protect your energy (e.g., skipping an event, saying no to a draining task, or setting a boundary with yourself to go to bed on time).
Scheduling something nourishing just for you, like journaling in a quiet space or walking in nature without your phone.
2. Social Support That You Feel
You don’t need a big crowd, just a few emotionally safe people who can show up without judgment or unsolicited advice. That might be a partner, a therapist, a friend who texts “thinking of you” on transfer day, or an online support group where you can vent without censoring yourself. Real support helps soften the sharp edges of isolation and affirms that you’re not in this alone. Research consistently shows that feeling like you are receiving sufficient social support buffers stress during fertility treatment (Gdańska et al., 2017).
You might try:
Reaching out to one person you trust and letting them know specifically how they can support you
“I don’t need advice, just an encouraging message on Monday before my appointment”
“I need a distraction from IVF, can we get coffee and not talk about my fertility treatments?”
“I have a big day at my clinic, could you walk my dog for me while I’m away?”
Joining an online or in-person infertility support group—even just reading others' posts can help you feel less alone.
Participate in social interactions that honor a part of who you are outside of your infertility journey. Maybe it’s a book club, a running group, or even little chats with fellow pet parents at your local dog park.
Setting healthy boundaries with loved ones who have not done their own internal work to support you in the way that you need.
3. Learning to Ride the Emotional Waves: Mindfulness & Acceptance
When every appointment carries the weight of hope or heartbreak, emotional overwhelm can become a constant companion. In these moments, resilience doesn’t mean you aren’t impacted by the ups and downs of this journey. Instead it looks like making space for hard feelings without letting them take the driver’s seat.
Mindfulness-based approaches, including Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), offer a powerful tool for this. The goal isn’t to suppress or fix your emotions—it’s to notice, name, and allow them, while continuing to act in alignment with what matters to you.
You might try:
Practicing short grounding exercises (even just two minutes of conscious breath) during triggering moments
Naming emotions without judgment: “This is grief.” “This is fear.”
Using compassionate self-talk: “This is hard, and I will help myself get through this.”
4. Resilience Through Creative Problem-Solving
Infertility often makes you feel like you’re out of options, stuck in someone else’s system, just waiting for the next result. But even in a process filled with protocols and probabilities, there’s room for agency—and it often begins with thinking creatively. Psychologists call this cognitive flexibility, and it’s a major predictor of emotional resilience (Genet & Siemer, 2011). It doesn’t mean being happy about detours—but it means being open to them.This kind of thinking says: I may not control the outcome, but I can influence the process. I can ask new questions. I can pivot. I can create new paths forward.
Creative problem-solving is about loosening rigid thinking. It’s the ability to step back, ask new questions, consider alternative paths, and reframe obstacles as opportunities for flexibility.
You might try:
Exploring new protocols or diagnostic tests when a cycle doesn’t go as planned
Looking into family-building or treatment options you once dismissed, with fresh eyes and updated information
Booking a consultation with a new provider to explore second opinions or alternative approaches.
Creating a vision board of your “Plan B” life not as a backup, but as a valid and meaningful path of its own.
5. Permission to “Cope Ugly”
We often picture coping as something calm and composed—yoga mats, gratitude journals, or serene meditations. But real-life resilience isn’t always graceful. Psychologist George Bonanno coined the phrase “coping ugly” to describe the messy, imperfect, and sometimes uncomfortable ways people survive intense stress. Maybe it’s crying in your car after a failed cycle. Maybe it’s zoning out with reality TV, canceling plans, or having a moment of rage at how unfair this all feels.
These reactions might not look “healthy” from the outside, but they can be functional temporary lifelines that help you make it through when you’ve had the wind knocked out of you. True resilience isn't a polished performance like a mountaintop selfie; it's raw and real. It’s not the picture of Rocky Balboa at the top of the steps, arms held up victoriously— it’s when you’ve been knocked down - spitting blood and teeth- and finding a way to stand back up again. As Bonanno (2004) reminds us, resilience rarely looks like strength from the outside. More often, it looks like survival—messy, loud, human survival.
You don’t have to tidy up your pain or make it palatable for others. You don’t need to perform your healing. The key is to check in with yourself: Are these coping strategies helping in the short term, without causing harm in the long run? If you find that your coping strategies begin to create problems (such as relational strain with your loved ones, financial concerns, or preventing you from engaging in parts of your life you enjoy) then it may be time to connect with a therapist to find additional coping skills to add to your tool belt.
You might try:
Giving yourself permission to be messy for a day— go drive to an empty parking lot and scream in your car, watch your favorite comfort show, listen to that song that gives you permission to cry.
Setting a short “grief window” (e.g., 15 minutes of letting it all out) followed by a comforting ritual like a shower, cozy blanket, or your favorite show.
Identifying one coping strategy you use often, then checking in: Is this helping me, hurting me, or neutral right now?
6. Leaning Into Your Core Values
When outcomes are uncertain and control feels out of reach, your values can become your anchor. As Brené Brown puts it, “Living into our values means that we do more than profess them; we practice them.”
Values like compassion, integrity, curiosity, or justice won’t eliminate the pain—but they can give you a sense of direction and meaning through it. When you can’t control the result, living in alignment with what matters most helps you reclaim a sense of self.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) refers to this as values-directed action—choosing to move toward what matters, even when emotions feel overwhelming (Hayes et al., 1999). It’s not about fixing your feelings. It’s about living with intention inside the mess.
You might try:
Identifying 5 values from Brené Brown’s values list (available here)
Ask yourself “what do I want to remember about how I showed up during this season?”
Identify creative ways you can integrate your values into your infertility journey
Choosing one core value to focus on this week (e.g., compassion, authenticity, hope) and finding one small way to live it out.
7. Hope Beyond the Outcome
Perhaps the hardest truth of infertility is its uncertainty. Resilience doesn’t mean ignoring that—it means finding ways to hope that don’t rise and fall with every test result.
This is why I often work with clients on the concept of a “second hope.” It’s okay to continue hoping to grow your family. But it’s equally important to develop a parallel hope—one that is rooted in your identity, not just an outcome.
Some examples:
No matter what happens, I will live a life filled with creativity and adventure.
My partner and I will build a life together grounded in love and community.
I will boldly pursue my dream of making a difference in the world.
This kind of hope, grounded in agency and purpose, is what psychologist Charles Snyder describes as “hope theory”: the belief that you can set meaningful goals and find ways to move toward them—even in the face of setbacks (Snyder, 2002).
Hope doesn’t have to be fragile if it’s grounded in your values. It can be fierce. It can be quiet. And it can carry you forward—whatever the outcome.
You might try:
Writing two hope statements: one about your dream to grow your family, and one about the life you want to live regardless of the outcome.
Creating a “hope jar” where you write down small, joyful goals or intentions that bring you purpose.
Talking with a therapist about cultivating purpose and identity beyond fertility outcomes.
Choose One Step Forward
Infertility asks so much of you physically, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s okay if you can’t do all the things. You don’t need to master resilience overnight. But you can start with one small, meaningful step.
This week, choose one of these seven resilience practices to try. Maybe it’s getting clear on your core values. Maybe it’s practicing a two-minute grounding exercise, texting a safe friend, or simply giving yourself permission to feel messy and human. Small shifts matter—especially when the road feels long.
And if you're feeling stuck or overwhelmed, you're not meant to carry this alone. Schedule a session if you'd like support that’s tailored to you, your values, and your journey. There’s strength in seeking help—and you deserve to feel supported every step of the way.
References
Bonanno, G. A. (2004). Loss, trauma, and human resilience. American Psychologist, 59(1), 20–28.
Bonanno, G. A., & Burton, C. L. (2013). Regulatory flexibility: An individual differences perspective on coping and emotion regulation. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 8(6), 591–612.
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead. Random House.
Gameiro, S., Boivin, J., Peronace, L., & Verhaak, C. M. (2013). Why do patients discontinue fertility treatment? A systematic review of reasons and predictors of discontinuation in fertility treatment. Human Reproduction Update, 18(6), 652–669.
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An experiential approach to behavior change. Guilford Press.
Kashdan, T. B., & Rottenberg, J. (2010). Psychological flexibility as a fundamental aspect of health. Clinical Psychology Review, 30(7), 865–878.
