8 Sneaky Ways Perfectionism Shows Up During Infertility

May 27

Infertility has a way of making life feel like it’s spinning out of control. In an effort to regain some a sense of normalcy, many women unknowingly slip into patterns of perfectionism. These patterns don’t always look like the classic overachiever or straight-A student. During fertility treatments, perfectionism can show up in quiet, culturally reinforced ways, often dressed up as discipline, resilience, loyalty, or positivity.

But beneath these masks, perfectionism is usually driven by fear: fear of failing, fear of being judged, fear of letting others down. And when you're already navigating the emotional, physical, and financial toll of fertility treatments, the pressure to be “perfect” can be too much to carry.

Let’s name eight sneaky ways perfectionism tends to show up during infertility, and talk about healthier, more self-compassionate ways to cope when everything feels uncertain.

1. The Perfect Wellness Warrior

She’s all-in on the fertility diet. No gluten, no caffeine, no processed foods. She’s up at 6 a.m. for weight lifting, tracks every supplement, and shows up to acupuncture every week. There isn’t a fertility hack she hasn’t already tried- twice. On the surface, she’s “just being healthy” and “dedicated.” But beneath the discipline is often fear: if she misses a step, will it be her fault if this treatment fails?

2. The Unbreakable Fighter

She keeps going. One cycle after another. New doctor, new protocol, new round of shots. She doesn’t cry in public, doesn’t take breaks, and doesn’t complain that her body doesn’t feel like it is her own anymore. This kind of perfectionism says: to want a baby badly enough means never putting your needs above your fertility goals. But endurance without rest leads to burnout—not success.

3. The Steady Caregiver

She’s the helper. Supporting her siblings, caring for her aging parents , hosting holidays—even while juggling fertility treatments. She enjoys being a caring presence for others. But where caregiving used to bring a sense of fulfillment, perfectionism turns caregiving into a mask: if she’s always caring for others, maybe she won’t have to face her own grief or be vulnerable by asking for care in return. This kind of perfectionism says: what role will I have if I’m the one that needs caring for?

4. The Always-There Friend

She attends every baby shower. She smiles through gender reveals. She listens to pregnancy complaints with grace. She shows up, even when it breaks her heart. Her perfectionism tells her that to be a good friend means never letting infertility interfere with her relationships. But constantly suppressing pain in order to maintain harmony can create quiet resentment and isolation.

5. The Emotionally Low-Maintenance One

She doesn’t “bother” anyone with her feelings. She texts “I’m fine :)” when she’s sobbing. She doesn’t let her partner or friends know how hard things are. She prides herself on being the easy one. Her perfectionism has taught her that needing emotional support is inconvenient, and that being loved means never burdening others.

6. The Perfect Auntie

She pours herself into the kids in her life—her friends’ babies, her nieces and nephews, the neighbor’s toddlers. She’s fun, generous, and full of love. And while her affection and love is 100% genuine, sometimes she’s also trying to hold onto a sense of connection and belonging. In a world that often revolves around motherhood, being the doting auntie can feel like the only socially acceptable way to stay close to the life and community she longs for.

7. The Constant Optimist

She always has a positive quote ready. She avoids “negative” feelings because she worries they’ll ruin her chances. She believes she has to manifest success—and that means never admitting fear, grief, or doubt. This form of perfectionism is particularly sneaky because it looks like resilience. But real resilience makes space for all emotions, not just the pretty ones.

8. The Overfunctioning Planner

She’s done the research - often when she ought to be sleeping. She has spreadsheets of treatment protocols, insurance options, clinic reviews, and backup plans. She feels safest when she’s in control—but the reality is, infertility is full of unknowns. Perfectionism convinces her that if she just plans enough, she can outmaneuver uncertainty. But at some point, all that control turns into a cage.

Why Perfectionism Shows Up During Infertility

When we feel vulnerable, afraid, and out of control—as most people do during infertility—perfectionism becomes a coping strategy. According to researchers like Brené Brown and Kristin Neff, perfectionism is often rooted in shame and fear. We believe that if we can just “do it right,” we can avoid judgment, failure, or loss.

But perfectionism doesn’t protect us from pain—it isolates us in it.

A 2021 study published in Human Reproduction found that women undergoing IVF who reported higher levels of self-critical perfectionism also experienced greater psychological distress and lower satisfaction with their treatment outcomes, even when those outcomes were successful. In other words, perfectionism doesn’t just hurt emotionally. It can also cloud our ability to process success or receive support.

Tips to Loosen Perfectionism’s Grip

Recognize the Role You’re Playing

Start by noticing which perfectionist mask feels most familiar. Ask yourself: What am I afraid would happen if I stopped trying to be perfect in this area? What would happen if I leaned into self-compassion instead?

Replace Control with Compassion

Self-compassion isn’t indulgent, it’s protective. Studies show it reduces anxiety, increases resilience, and improves coping in health-related stress. Talk to yourself the way you’d speak to someone you love.

Create Safe Spaces for Vulnerability

You don’t have to be emotionally “low-maintenance” in every space. Whether it’s a support group, a therapist, a partner, or a journal, find a place where your real feelings are safe.

Redefine Success

Success during infertility isn’t just about the outcome. It might be about advocating for yourself, living into your values, asking for help, or honoring your body’s need for rest.

Take Breaks Without Guilt

Rest is not a reward for productivity. It’s a requirement for survival, especially during something as consuming as fertility treatment. You will need breaks, and attending to your needs does not mean you are any less deserving of your desired fertility outcome.

Anti-Perfectionism Mantras for Fertility Warriors

Use these mantras to interrupt perfectionism’s inner critic and anchor yourself in self-worth.

1. “Acknowledging my limitations means I’m brave, not that I don’t deserve a baby.”
Your honesty about what’s hard is a strength, not a liability.

2. “I am already worthy of love, care, and rest—without proving or performing.”
Your worth is not up for negotiation. It never has been.

3. “Letting go of control doesn’t mean giving up—it means making room for being human.”
You can surrender without abandoning yourself.

Resources & Citations

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.
Molgora, S., & Saita, E. (2021). Self-critical perfectionism and psychological distress in women undergoing IVF: The moderating role of infertility-related stress. Human Reproduction, 36(4), 1038–1046. https://doi.org/10.1093/humrep/deaa363
American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM). Emotional health and infertility. https://www.reproductivefacts.org

Ahlia Kim