“Coping Ahead” For Infertility Treatments
Coping ahead is a term from DBT, Dialectical Behavior Therapy, that refers to creating and practicing coping strategies before a difficult situation happens. Instead of waiting until you're in the middle of emotional distress to figure out how to respond, coping ahead helps you prepare in advance.
I learned the value of this skill the hard way during my first IVF transfer cycle. I had done everything “right”: taken all the shots, arrived early to every appointment, eaten all the right foods, and cut out everything I was supposed to. But at the end of the two-week wait, I received that dreaded “I’m so sorry” email…the transfer hadn’t worked.
I wasn’t prepared for the tidal wave of grief, disappointment, and fear for the future that followed. As the ripples of that grief softened over time, I found myself getting curious about the experience. The question that echoed loudest was, “What would have helped?”
One answer I’ve come to is coping ahead. While it doesn’t keep you from being pulled into the wave of grief, it gives you something to hold onto, a buoy in the storm.
I genuinely believe that any coping-ahead strategy you come up with yourself will be more powerful than anything I could suggest because coping is deeply personal. So rather than following this list to the letter, consider it a springboard for building your own.
Here are a few strategies and ideas to get you started:
The Blue To-Do List
The Blue To-Do List is a collection of comforting activities you plan in advance in case you receive difficult or disappointing news. This has become a staple in my own life whenever I enter a high-stakes situation, whether it’s an IVF transfer cycle or a job interview.
The goal isn’t to distract yourself or pretend everything is fine. The goal is to care for yourself well, on purpose, during a moment when it’s hardest to do so. By creating your list ahead of time, you’re giving your future self a roadmap for gentle, meaningful care.
Here are some ideas clients have shared over the years:
Picking a movie to see in theaters
Researching and preparing for a scenic hike
Visiting a restaurant, coffee shop, or bar you’ve been wanting to try
A cozy video game night at home with your favorite snacks
Planning a restful day trip with your partner somewhere special
Taking a “fancy” bath with special bath products
Visiting a bookstore together to pick out weekend reads
Going to a rage room with your best friend
Watching a comfort movie with themed snacks
Giving yourself permission to buy something meaningful, like new pajamas or fresh flowers
Your list should feel doable, life-giving, and just indulgent enough to say you matter. The key is specificity: pick the exact movie, schedule the day trip, buy the bath salts ahead of time. Do the heavy lifting now, so you don’t have to later.
Affirmations Rooted in Self-Compassion
Affirmations can be a powerful way to speak to your future self with kindness. Planning them ahead of time can help you respond to disappointment with gentleness, instead of self-criticism. These aren’t “just be positive!” platitudes, they’re grounded in self-compassion and reflect what is true for you.
Here are a few examples:
“This is really hard, and I’m doing the best I can.”
“I can feel heartbroken and still be resilient.”
“I am allowed to grieve this deeply.”
“My worth is not defined by this outcome.”
“Whatever happens, I will be gentle with myself.”
Consider writing yours down or giving them to your partner to help you remember them when you need them the most.
External Boundaries (with Loved Ones)
It can be emotionally exhausting to explain your needs to others while you're in the middle of distress. Setting boundaries ahead of time can help protect your energy and make space for healing. Try identifying what you might need from others before the situation arises.
Some examples:
“I may not be ready to share the outcome of my transfer cycle right away. I’ll give updates when I feel ready.”
“My partner and I plan to spend the weekend alone after this treatment cycle. I’ll let you know when we’re ready to hang out.”
“When I share bad news, I’ve noticed that advice or positivity feels overwhelming. For this cycle, could you simply remind me that you care and let me take the lead on what I need?”
Internal Boundaries (with Yourself)
Boundaries aren’t just about others, they also help us protect our own emotional well-being. Internal boundaries are about making promises to yourself based on what you know helps or harms you in vulnerable moments.
Examples:
“Googling every symptom during my two-week wait has caused me more anxiety than peace. This time, I’ll bring my questions directly to my doctor.”
“I will not overbook myself the week after treatment. I’ll prioritize rest and gentle routines.”
“I will only share details of this cycle with people who have the skills to support me well. I don’t owe anyone updates just because I feel like I ‘should.’”
Creating a Safe Space for Grief
Sometimes, grief needs an invitation, a safe environment where it’s allowed to be fully felt. Making space for this ahead of time can help you process instead of suppress.
Consider planning one or more of the following:
Drive to a (safe) empty parking lot where you can scream or cry in private
Set aside alone time, or time with your partner, to openly process emotions
Watch a sad movie or listen to music that helps you cry and release emotion
Take a planned day off work around the time of expected results, so you can feel what you need to feel without pressure
Coping ahead isn’t about expecting the worst, it’s about honoring the truth that infertility treatments come with real emotional weight, and preparing for that weight with care and intention. You deserve support not just in the outcomes, but in the in-between spaces: the waiting, the wondering, the what-ifs. By thinking through your needs ahead of time, you’re not just surviving this process, you’re building resilience, one small act of self-compassion at a time. Whatever this chapter holds, may you feel grounded, supported, and never alone.
